Burden or Blessing? Bitterness or Joy?

It's really easy to overlook the blessing in our daily work if there is bitterness rooted deep in the heart. All burdens are responsibilities, some are lighter and some might be significantly more stressful, but how we view those "burdens" can result in joy or bitterness.

Read Matthew 25:14-30 where Jesus gives the Parable of the Talents as a way to describe what the Kingdom of Heaven is like.

(Did you read it or skip it?) The master entrusted three of his slaves with his possessions. Two of whom did some leg work, acted with wisdom, counted the risk and made a profit for their master. Hear what the master says to each of these two trustworthy, hardworking slaves upon the report of their success, "Well done, good and faithful slave."

Do you labor hard to please our God in heaven for His glory?

Don't you want to hear Him look you in the eye, with His arms wrapped around you, and say these words to YOU?!

Of course!

Then you know that all these hard days here on earth in the presence of sin,

striving day after day in the war between our born-again spirit & sinful flesh,

losing sleep,

being a good steward,

submitting to your husband,

constantly disciplining disobedience,

faithfully raising your children to fear God,

worshiping Him in your home and with the Church,

ministering to the sick & poor,

showing hospitality to our neighbors,

and tithing from our abundance & our need,

that after all this and our short lives are over

and FINALLY we see our Savior, Jesus Christ, meet us on the other side of the dark chasm of death to embrace us in the light of His glory and tell us that it was all worth it and He is satisfied with the offering of our lives!

Oh, what a moment!

(Relish in that glorious thought for a minute!)

Now notice something else the master says, "You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master." As a result of managing the small things well, He puts us in charge of much more. We are given more responsibilities. If we consider those additional responsibilities as a stressful inconvenience, then it is likely for our hearts to become bitter as a reflection of selfishness.

But before this might have a chance to embitter your heart, read the last phrase again. "Enter into the joy of your master." As the master gives you more responsibilities you become closer to the master. It's like a business corporation. The lowest guy on the totem pole doesn't speak much with the big wigs. But as he proves himself in the most menial of jobs and earns a promotion, his position is now closer to the big wigs.

You will make known to me the path of life;

In Your presence is fullness of joy;

In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

Psalm 16:11

For You make him most blessed forever;

You make him joyful with gladness in Your presence.

Psalm 21:6

Many of us have a lot on our plates and I can probably guess that most of us could always use a vacation or dream of retirement. But as I remind myself and encourage y'all not to view our stewardship as an inconvenience, but as a blessing. God will give us more than we can handle so that we are constantly looking to Him for His grace all-sufficient. If we've got everything under control we would have no need to look to God for anything. We could manage on our own. The more we look to Him, the more we pray in the presence of God's glorious throne room, the more fullness of joy we can experience. Let us not be lazy and wicked, but let us labor hard to seek after God and His grace by which we may glorify Him in all that is on our plate.

'Round the Garden

'Round and 'round the garden goes the teddy bear.

One step. Two step. And then he goes in there! :-D

Before & After

Psalm 123

To You I lift up my eyes,

O You who are enthroned in the heavens!

Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master,

As the eyes of a maid to the hand of her mistress,

So our eyes look to the LORD our God,

Until He is gracious to us.

Be gracious to us, O LORD, be gracious to us,

For we are greatly filled with contempt.

Our soul is greatly filled

With the scoffing of those who are at ease,

And with the contempt of the proud.

Psalm 126

When the LORD brought back the captive ones of Zion,

We were like those who dream.

Then our mouth was filled with laughter

And our tongue with joyful shouting;

Then they said among the nations,

"The LORD has done great things for them."

The LORD has done great things for us;

We are glad.

Restore our captivity, O LORD,

As the streams in the South.

Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.

He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed,

Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.

Joy Is a Fruit of the Spirit

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against these things there is no law.

Galatians 5:22-23

This is no new revelation. But it is easy in this list to start concentrating on the other "harder" fruits like patience and self-control, where we immediately feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit. When we're having a particularly difficult day we can say to ourselves, "Today I'm exhibiting faithfulness and love by persevering in these things and self-control when I'm falsely accused and don't retaliate, vindicate or defend myself."

As we put off anxiety, exhibiting peace becomes more evident, too. The more we trust in the sovereignty of God, that He is in complete control of everything, the less we begin to worry about the small stuff and even the big stuff.

Kindness and gentleness may come more easily as a parent who naturally loves and feels compassion for your own children.

But what about joy?

Especially in those trying and difficult moments of the day or even during seasons of life where joy just seems to escape the expression of our faces and homes, are we convicted that we don't have more joy?

I can't put on a mask for very long. It looks fake and rightly so. If I don't feel it in my heart, I won't express it on my face or in my general dealings throughout the day. I want to have a joy-filled home and it must begin with me. I've heard it said that the husband was the head of the home and the wife is the heart of the home. "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Joy comes from Christ and not our circumstances. Can we still have joy when things are not going the way we thought or wanted? Can we have joy despite the worst of times and we are hard pressed on every side trying to meet all the demands of life and complete all our tasks?

Yes. There is joy inexpressible in Christ! He is the only One who can satisfy thirsty souls. He is the only One that can understand whatever current sufferings we endure. And when we need encouragement we can cry out to Him and seek His grace. None of us have had the immense burden of enduring 33+ years of remaining sinless and holy in our actions and thoughts! None of us have had to endure the pain and torture of the cross carrying the sins of the people of God! He holds in His hands the keys of death and Hades!

Let us joy in the fact that, as believers, we are not on our way to utter torment in fire for all eternity! We are not trapped in the futility of our minds, darkened in our understanding and ignorant of the love and justice of God! We have an immeasurable number of blessings heaped upon us - the foremost being Christ Himself, greater than any material or immaterial blessing He could ever give. The amazing grace that He chose us when we didn't choose Him when He could have left our hearts hardened in our desire for sin and rebellion, like so many others who suppress the Truth in unrighteousness. He is perfectly righteous and exchanges our filthiness and inadequacy for His perfect righteousness and holiness that we could never even begin to achieve no matter how hard we try.

Imagine the beauty of His holiness! What it will be like to stand in His presence, face to face, seeing Him clearly and for that moment of sheer bliss to seem like an eternity of wonder - we will never want to leave and we won't have to! All our fears will be cast away! All our painful memories will be erased. All of the longings of our hearts will be sanctified and filled. We will be glorified and removed from the presence of all sin and no longer influenced by it's power.

Imagine that glorious Day of victory! When Christ crushes the Enemy under our feet! We will look down upon him in triumph at last! No more addictions. No more idols of the heart. No more deception. No more subtleties. We won't have to discern between good and bad, better and best. Our Redeemer lives! Death is swallowed up in victory!

Remember this and let it bring a smile to your face! And there are so many other aspects of Christ that can bring us joy! He is infinite. And He should be enough to make us smile when we don't feel like smiling. If we feel we need something more let us fall down and repent of our idolatry. He is more than enough for our weary, hungry, tired, beat-down souls.

Rejoice in the Lord always. And again I say, rejoice!

Satisfaction for a Dissatisfied Heart

It struck me today as I was able to remain in 'bed' through the late morning hours, meeting no immediate needs: it is so easy to make idols out of what is experienced through our senses.

This is evidenced by the fact that often my heart is met with frustration, discontentment, bitterness and the like, none of which are any form of spiritual worship for a Holy God. Really, most people just want things to go their way: smooth commute to work, no unusual demands from the boss man, satisfying lunch, smooth commute home to a prepared meal and happy family with plenty of time to relax and go to bed at leisure.

Well, it might be different for me: uninterrupted night of sleep whereby I can get up at 5 or 5:30 a.m., have some quiet, private time in the Word, have an excellent workout, and shower all before the girls wake up. Then Moriah must not have any accidents, no whining, no hitting, pushing or begging, eating all her food and Lily must likewise be obedient and not poo in her diaper. All the dishes must be kept up with little to no mess on the floor, no pressing laundry or errands, no nausea . . . and this list could go on and on. I'm sure everyone's list of a perfect day would be as unique as the person and their specific role.

And if just one of these things is out of whack, there goes the whole day. All of us walk on pins and needles because things are not right. . . . There always seem to be dirty dishes collecting in the sink, dirty laundry that must be washed ASAP, grocery runs or other errands, whining, complaining, poo in the diapers, accidents on the floor, interrupted nights of sleep, another morning unable to get out of bed to workout or read, another strong urge to vomit, etc.

But things are like that everyday.

And everyday I fight for joy and contentment, for satisfaction and the knowledge that my efforts to raise up a godly legacy are not in vain. Sometimes it can appear that way. It is especially discouraging when I see that my girls have picked up certain ungodly traits when I strongly desire them to grow up and be godly young women, ready for their created purpose and to be satisfied in it. Sometimes it's really discouraging because we can examine ourselves, as Scripture says, and wonder why we don't exhibit more of the fruits of the Spirit. "I've been a believer for this long - why aren't I more loving, patient, kind, gentle, and exhibit more self-control?!" And doubt may begin to cloud our minds.

But then we realize the same thing Peter did, "Where shall we go? You are the One with the Words of Life."

How can we break out of placing all our satisfaction on physical things? How can we realize more fully all of those unseen things in which we should find all our satisfaction and joy?

I'm still learning this. It's easy to forget that everything physical was created by the unseen spiritual realm. There was a point in time where God, who is spiritual, took on a physical form and we were able to behold His glory. There is also a time in heaven for His children to behold His face clearly. But we're removed by time from seeing the Lord in bodily form for a while (unless He comes right now).

I suppose we just use the physical things to remind us of those spiritual unseen things and remember that everything physical is temporal, but everything that is not physical remains forever. The breath in my lungs is a physical evidence of God's sustaining power, love, mercy and grace upon me. The warm house and food in the pantry is another evidence of God's provision and expression of blessing. Not to mention all of the unseen spiritual blessings, God's foreordained knowledge of choosing a people by grace alone who would, as a result, come to faith in Christ Jesus and become His children.

Be satisfied in the unseen. Be a steward of the physical. Be content in the unmoving, unchanging Christ. And take joy in your role as helpmeet. I'm preaching to the choir.

You will make known to me the path of life;

In Your presence is fullness of joy;

In your right hand there are pleasures forever.

Ps 16:11

As for me, I shall behold Your face in righteousness;

I will be satisfied with Your likeness with I awake.

Ps 17:15

Marital Resolutions

This picture is the Christmas before we married. Jeramy is much thinner in real life. I'm not, now. :-) The Short Version of how we came together:

Jeramy and I met on Sunday, February 19, 2006 in Louisville, Kentucky at a Sunday School Potluck. We began to court on Resurrection Sunday. I met his parents on Mother's Day weekend and he met my parents the following weekend when I graduated from The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. Jeramy went to Africa for three weeks, then came to Virginia to visit me. He proposed marriage, after receiving my parents' "blessing", on July 10 of the same year. We attended pre-marital counseling and married on March 3, 2007.

Since that time we have grown quite a bit and by God's grace we are still married. :-) Our relationship has deepened over the few years we've known each other. Here are some of the lessons I've learned:

• It's Biblical and right to be feminine.
• I was created to be his helper, not vice versa.
• Nagging tears down. Affirmation builds up.
• As a woman, I was created to become a mother, therefore I bear the full responsibility to nurture and care for our children, not a nanny and not the government.
• My joyful and content attitude creates a joyful and content home. This is more important than any decor I hang on the walls.
• I am responsible to maintain a clean and safe home environment as much as I'm able.
• I have resolved to always respond positively to my husband's need for intimacy and physical affection. (This works great for both of us. :-)
• It is better not to mention his shortcomings, but to always be grateful for the efforts willingly volunteered.
• Trust and allow him to bear the responsibilities of final decision-making, especially in the area of our finances.
• As much as it's possible, depend on God's grace to refrain from bitterness when I can't seize the same opportunities he can.
• Submit with joy and contentment when you don't agree.
• Live happily ever after.

Submit With Joy

An excellent wife, who can find?

For her worth is far above jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her,

And he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good and not evil

All the days of her life.

Proverbs 31:10-12

The other day I was meditating on this passage and it struck me how crystal clear God's definition of "good" and "evil" are, like night and day, black and white, and sometimes my definitions don't line up so clearly with the words and intent of God's own heart.

Sometimes there are things I do that I might consider good but God considers evil and vice versa. I consider it good to clean up clothes lying hap-hazardly on the floor whereas my husband now cannot find his uniform for work.

The area where this struck me the hardest was in joyful submission to my husband's headship. I can submit, sure. It's easy to physically carry out my husband's wishes. But if I do so without joy then it is evil because my heart is not in it. It's like a white washed tomb, pretty on the outside and full of dead bones. Instead of joyfully submitting I might (knowingly or unknowingly) engage in a subtle form of manipulation and passive aggression, like angry silence for example. Sure I could throw pots and pans at him, but let's not resort to violence. :-) Nagging is a form of manipulation, persistently arguing for him to replace his priorities with mine. Sometimes my bitter objection is even just in my tone of voice or lack of gentleness.

And sometimes I think, "Yeah, I do submit, at least better than I did." (Read here.) Or, "I want to submit, but my husband just doesn't lead. He's not proactive." Or even, "I want to submit joyfully, but my husband gives me a lot of leeway, knowing that I am a strong-willed woman with strong opinions. If he asks me my opinion, he's more likely to do that and forfeit his own inclinations."

When it's time to make a decision, I ask him what his preferences are or what he understands is best and I attempt to joyfully concur. If I have any contributing ideas, I try to voice them humbly and with an attitude that conveys trust and a willingness to give up my own preferences, if I have them. And when he does decide something that is contrary to my better judgement, then I ask for grace to submit and not be bitter, leaving the consequences and responsibility of the decision to rest on his head. :-) The main conviction I received from the Holy Spirit regarding submission is this: to submit with any attitude other than a joyful one is evil in His sight.

I'm still working on this.

The Meaning of Life

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness;

and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth."

Genesis 1:1 & 26

He answered: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind': and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Luke 10:27

The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever.

John Piper

Perpetual Praise

Psalm 71

My praise is continually of You. . .

My mouth is filled with Your praise

And with Your glory all day long. . .

But as for me, I will hope continually,

And will praise You yet more and more.

My mouth shall tell of Your righteousness

And of Your salvation all day long;

For I do not know the sum of them.

My lips will shout for joy when I sing praises to You;

And my soul, which You have redeemed.

My tongue also will utter Your righteousness all day long . . .

Verses 6, 8, 14-15, 23-24

The Holy Spirit has used this passage (and the book as a whole) to convict me that the same attitude of praise and worship expressed in the corporate setting should also be that which characterizes all private settings. In corporate worship it is easy to focus completely on Christ, His person and work, to be thankful and full of joy and wonder at His glory. When we leave the building and go about the tasks and struggles of our daily lives - cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, tending mess-making and disobedient toddlers, miscommunication with loved ones - it is so easy to forget the glory and splendor of the King of kings and to get frustrated and bogged down. The tasks in themselves are not inherently bad, but shifting our focus onto them is. The effects of the Fall still express themselves in all our relationships, but there is victory in Christ, who overwhelmingly conquers. The challenge is to depend fully upon the grace of God through prayer as I practice conducting myself in a perpetual state of praise and worship, full of joy and gratitude every moment of the day, every day through the week.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed

2 Corinthians 9:8

Be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Ephesians 5:18b-20

Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

A Most Valuable Ministry

From Creation, women were designed to minister to their families - to aid their husbands, to house developing babies in the womb and nurture them as they grow. To be a wife and a mother is a sacred, God-created, God-ordained calling that only women call fulfill. Women are the crowning achievement of Creation! It wasn't "very good" until God fashioned Eve from Adam's rib. Feminism in any realm, secular or evangelical, robs women of the peace and joy rewarded with obedience to God's created order. When women try to "have it all" they become like a jack-of-all-trades: not a expert in anything. They compromise the time with their families to compete with the providential role of men. And for what? The sake of pride.

I just read a chapter by Thom Schreiner from the book Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood and wanted to include this encouraging excerpt:

Probably one of the most significant ministry roles for women, although it is not their only role, is their role as wives and mothers. Paul says that mature women are to “train the younger women to love their husbands and children” (Titus 2:4). One thinks of the godly mothers in Scripture like Sarah, Hannah, Ruth, and Mary. What a significant role they played in the history of redemption as wives and mothers! Their influence on their husbands and children is still not fully known to us. Countless unknown wives and mothers have had a tremendous impact on their husbands and children, and the influence of these women will only be revealed on the day of redemption. What a tragedy it is that women’s role as wives and mothers is often viewed as second best today! God has ordained that most women will find the greatest fulfillment in these very callings, and those who do should also realize that the example of their lives, lived faithfully with “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” (1 Peter 3:4), will have a lasting effect on many others around them. (pp. 223-224)

Just A Thought

As I look back over these past couple of weeks, I consider how much I let others influence the way I think and behave. This is not to say that God's Word doesn't influence me toward godliness - of course it does. This is in reflection of 1 Corinthians 15:33. Sometimes it is a good thing, when I spend time with other women I admire who, in one way or another, encourage me toward Titus 2 qualities. With these women, the fellowship is always sweet, transparent, convicting and full of joy. It's like a taste of heaven. During and after this wonderful time together, Christ is exalted in our thoughts and the pursuit of holiness finds renewed wind in our sails. It is refreshing and one of my great joys being a part of the body of Christ to which we've joined. It is blessed to be in the company of such fine women.

Other times, it is not a good thing. Personally, I am discouraged from godly qualities towards those of the world when I spend more time with people who are worldly. The outcome is not glorifying to God. The holiness of Christ is not satisfying. The divine role and calling of Biblical Womanhood is not fulfilling. Pleasure, power and possessions are joyless idols and self-centeredness does not reward any peace. Vainly chasing after the wind becomes tiresome and any momentary prize creates a vacuum of perpetual discontentment.

May Your grace ever be with me Lord, that I would pursue time in Your Word like water after a hard run. Exhort me to always seek time with godly women and convict me when in the presence of my brothers and sisters in Christ. May my sin be ever exposed that the motivation always be burning toward Christ-like holiness and righteousness in my words and actions.

Discontentment & Idols of The Heart

What is it that we desire most? What is it that will make us happy and content? What motivates us to do the things we do? Do we complain? Why?

"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Matthew 6:21-22

The heart is the source of all human motivations. If we do things for our own pleasure, peace, freedom, love, comfort, meaning, success, control, respect or reputation we have exchanged the Living God for an idol. In reality, all sin can be summarized as idolatry. When we commit a sin, we substitute obedience to God for obedience to something else whether the world, flesh or devil.

Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.

1 John 2:15-16

Jesus Christ, the all-powerful Creator, Redeemer, our Righteousness, is not enough. We need something more. I need Christ and . . .

Do we believe this? Do our actions show this by complaining, grumbling, in bitter envy, jealousy, strife and discontented attitudes? Are we convinced that someone or something else will fully satisfy us more than Christ? Compromised trust in Christ is really a turning away from God because we're not satisfied only with Christ; we want more.

The human heart is a factory of idols. Our sin nature produces insatiable, unending lists of desires. Those desires are idols if it is not a hunger and thirst after the Living God.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

Matthew 5:6

Who is our Righteousness but Christ Himself?

Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You.

I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord; I have no good besides You."

The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You support my lot.

The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.

You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy;

In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

Psalm 16:1, 2, 5, 6, 11

See how content the psalmist is in the LORD? See how grateful he is to God for all of His benefits? How about the contentment of Paul. As we read through his epistles, we know that he didn't write these words in a spiritual vacuum.

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:11-13

But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content.

1 Timothy 6:6-8

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever. Our circumstances are always changing, in some ways we like and other ways in which we don't like. But God stays the same. He is uppermost in His own affections. There is no higher being, nothing more satisfying than knowing God. That's why God commands us to love Him above everything else, with every part of us. God is glorified by godly means but we must understand that God's glory is the end also.

In all wisdom and insight He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him, with a view to an administration suitable to the fullness of the times, that is, the summing up of all things in Christ, things in the heavens and things on the earth.

Ephesians 1:8-10

All things - ALL THINGS - find their purpose in Christ. If we, as true believers, do not live as though we are completely satisfied in Christ, what reason will non-believers have to consider the gospel? As chasing after the world is vain (Ecclesiastes) and Christ doesn't satisfy, then there truly is no hope for any of us.

May we cry out with the psalmist and Peter:

Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.

My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:25-26

Simon Peter answered Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God."

John 6:68-69

Christ is enough, more than enough for me - may my actions and attitudes reflect that.

Independence Day, 2009

Two Scriptures in particular have been on my mind all day, in reference to our nation:

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

"When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

2 Chronicles 7:13-14

America is not a Christian nation though it was founded upon a Judeo-Christian ethic that recognized the authority of Scripture in regards to our Creation, Corruption, Catastrophe and Confusion that occur in the first 11 chapters of Genesis (and all that follow for that matter). The founding fathers recognized the sinful nature and proposed the laws and system of government as a way to deal with it - to keep lawlessness and those individuals in power, in check. The further away our varying governing authorities get from the authority of God's Word, the more arbitrary they deem the law, the more corrupt our society will become. America will soon collapse if we continue on this slippery slope.

Confession & Petition

Holy Lord,

I have sinned times without number,

and been guilty of pride and unbelief,

of failure to find thy mind in thy Word,

of neglect to seek thee in my daily life.

My transgressions and short-comings

present me with a list of accusations,

But I bless thee that they will not stand against me,

for all have been laid on Christ;

Go on to subdue my corruptions,

and grant me grace to live above them.

Let not the passions of the flesh nor lustings

of the mind bring my spirit into subjection,

but do thou rule over me in liberty and power.

I thank thee that many of my prayers

have been refused-

I have asked amiss and do not have,

I have prayed from lusts and been rejected,

I have longed for Egypt and been given a

wilderness.

Go on with thy patient work,

answering 'no' to my wrongful prayers,

and fitting me to accept it.

Purge me from every false desire,

every base aspiration,

everything contrary to thy rule.

I thank thee for thy wisdom and thy love,

for all the acts of discipline to which I am subject,

for sometimes putting me into the furnace

to refine my gold and remove my dross.

No trial is so hard to bear as a sense of sin.

If thou shouldst give me choice to live

in pleasure and keep my sins,

or to have them burnt away with trial,

give me sanctified affliction.

Deliver me from every evil habit,

every accretion of former sins,

everything that dims the brightness

of thy grace in me,

everything that prevents me taking delight

in thee.

Then I shall bless thee, God of Jeshurun,

for helping me to be upright.

[Amen.]

(The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions. Ed. Arthur Bennett. Edinburgh: Banner of Truth Trust, 1975. pp 138-139.)

Jeshurun: Deuteronomy 32-33 and Isaiah 44:2

99 Balloons

This video shows the incredible story of a family and the loss of their son, Eliot, to Trisomy 18, aka Edward's Syndrome. I had never seen or heard of this syndrome or this family before and both impacted me greatly. It caused me to realize how I take life, mine and that of my children, for granted. Each day with Jeramy, Moriah and Lily is a gift, a one time blessing from God to be cherished and enjoyed. I could not imagine what it would be like to lose one of them unexpectedly, to have no confidence that they're going to wake up the next morning.

Every life is precious, born and unborn. How many people murder their healthy unborn, unwanted babies and yet this couple is blessed with an unhealthy child, loved him so much and lost him so quickly!

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

You are my God, and I will give You thanks;

You are my God, and I will exalt You.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;

His love endures forever.

Psalm 118:24, 28-29

For You created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake, I am still with You.

Psalm 132:13-18

A Psalm & A Prayer

Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You.

I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;

I have no good besides You."

As for the saints who are in the earth,

They are the majestic ones in whom is all my delight.

The sorrows of those who have bartered for another god will be multiplied;

I shall not pour out their drink offerings of blood,

Nor will I take their names upon my lips.

The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;

You support my lot.

The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;

Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.

I will bless the LORD who has counseled me;

Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night.

I have set the LORD continually before me;

Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices;

My flesh also will dwell securely.

For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol;

Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.

You will make known to me the path of life;

In Your presence is fullness of joy;

In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

Psalm 16

THE GREAT GOD

O Fountain of All Good,

Destroy in me every lofty thought,

Break pride to pieces sand scatter it to the winds,

Annihilate each clinging shred of self-righteousness,

Implant in me true lowliness of spirit,

Abase me to self-loathing and self-abhorrence,

Open in me a fount of penitential tears,

Break me, then bind me up;

Thus will my heart be a prepared dwelling for my God;

Then can the Father take up his abode in me,

Then can the blessed Jesus come with healing in his touch,

Then can the Holy Spirit descend in sanctifying grace;

O Holy Trinity, three Persons and one God,

inhabit me, a temple consecrated to thy glory.

When thou are present, evil cannot abide;

In thy fellowship is fullness of joy,

Beneath thy smile is peace of conscience,

By thy side no fears disturb,

no apprehensions banish rest of mind,

With thee my heart shall bloom with fragrance;

Make me meet, through repentance,

for thine indwelling.

Nothing exceeds thy power,

Nothing is too great for thee to do,

Nothing too good for thee to give.

Infinite is thy might, boundless thy love,

limitless thy grace, glorious thy saving name.

Let angels sing for

sinners repenting,

prodigals restored,

backsliders reclaimed,

Satan's captives released,

blind eyes opened,

broken hearts bound up,

the despondent cheered,

the self-righteous stripped,

the formalist driven from a refuge of lies,

the ignorant enlightened,

and saints built up in their holy faith.

I ask great things of a great God.

(The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions. Ed. Arthur Bennett. Edinburgh: Banner of Truth Trust, 1975. pp 8-9.)

Happy Father's Day!

Let me say that my husband Jeramy is a wonderful father to our little girls!  He is really involved in physically caring for them and he is affectionate in showing love to them.  He willingly changes the cloth diapers!  He takes them for strolls through the park.  He takes Moriah to meet the ducks and geese.  He takes them to run errands.  He feeds Moriah.  He bathes them, clothes them and even brushes Moriah's hair, which is no easy task!  He stays home with them while I go exercise.

Jeramy is also proactive in teaching Moriah!  He has purchased some flash cards with the alphabet, numbers, colors, shapes, rhyming words and objects that go together, like Dog and Bone, for example.  Sometimes he'll even teach her some words in Spanish.  

He plays well too.  He'll chase Moriah around, let her jump on the couch and make faces at Lily.  He is much more physically playful with them than I am, as much as Moriah actually sits in one place (which she doesn't :-).  And when he's around, he takes the initiative in discipline when needed.

Jeramy is such a wonderful father.  He is not a dead beat dad by any means.  He is the father figure I prayed that my children would have - one that would be involved physically and emotionally, taking an interest in all facets of their lives.  His example will show them what quality of man to look for in a husband (he's affectionate to me too :-D) and because of his involvement, the likelihood of our daughters going off in left field is dramatically reduced (statistically).  I have so much joy when I watch him interact with them, I cannot begin to describe the depths of gratitude I have toward God for giving me such a wonderful, Christ-like husband and father for our children.

Happy Father's Day, Honey!

I love you very much.

My Dad

So many things come to my mind when I think of my Dad that I really have no idea where to begin.  I have fond memories of him playing guitar all the time, randomly, in the house.  I remember that he played a few of Grandpa's songs when we went to New Jersey for a Folk Festival in Spring of 2001 where he died before being able to receive a Lifetime Achievement Award.  My Dad didn't play guitar as well as my Grandpa, but I always enjoyed his playing.  As a little girl I would dance to it.  When I moved out, that was the sound of home that I missed the most.

My Dad was very quiet in the house; he rarely said many words unless he was on the phone.  He loved to get out and be with his friends and at church.  He loved to joke and laugh.  He was really good at horseshoes and dug a pit in our front yard.  My Dad loved to work with wood and generally he was very handy.  I think his official job title was general mechanical expert or carpenter, something like that.  He could do plumbing, electrical, air conditioning, automotive, remodeling, tiling, etc.  You could call him a Jack-of-all-trades and all of his various trades he performed well.

My Dad was thirty when I was born.  As a kid, I remember that he would cart me around with him after school wherever he needed to go and I didn't mind, because I was with him.  I remember that he would let me hand him tools, nails and screws as he worked with his hands.  When I got bigger, he let me use the hammer and paint the new drywall in the basement.  He built several pieces of furniture for me and always gave me big gifts for my birthday and Christmas.

The Lord caused my Dad to repent at an older age.  Growing up I knew that my Dad wasn't a Christian but when we moved to Manassas he met the preacher at the church Mom and I were currently members of; God used him to draw my Dad to Christ.  There were changes in his behavior and speech.  He completely stopped drinking beer, although he was never an alcoholic, and he started serving  . . . a lot!  He served in our house by cooking dinner, cleaning, doing laundry, walking the dog - things that he didn't normally do before becoming a believer.  He served in the church by ministering to the senior citizens and doing all kinds of various building projects on the grounds.  There is not a room in the church or our house where Dad didn't do something!  It was a joy to see the fruit of the Spirit evidenced in his life as a Christian.  It brings comfort.

I love my Dad and I miss him a lot.  He died two years ago this past May just a few months shy of his 57th birthday.  He was a patient man, the true definition of bearing all things.  Honestly, one of my biggest regrets is how unappreciative I was of him while he was alive and I always wonder if we would have a better relationship now if he were still here.  It was about 6 months before he died that God convicted me and caused me to realize (through the Bible as applied through the book For Women Only) the level of disrespect I was showing him, i.e. that I was a contentious young woman.  God is sovereign and I am glad that he caused me to see how destructive my words and attitudes were/are.  I wish I could go back because he was a better man than I gave him credit for, still a sinner, but better than I believed back then.

Consider It Joy

As I think of the days ahead and the various troubles, trials and temptations I will face, and those dear people I know already facing worse hardships, I am reminded of this song.  The trials we've already faced over the previous year I now consider joy, though I didn't before, because now, I am more sanctified than I was before.  The fires of life, as painful and unpleasant as they are, as much as we don't want them - they continue to refine us and God does it out of His love for us.

Consider It Joy

Though trials will come

Don't fear, don't run,

Lift up your eyes.

Hold fast, be strong,

Have faith

Keep on believing

Lift up your eyes.

For God is at work in us,

Molding and shaping us;

Out of His love for us

Making us more like Jesus.

Consider it joy, pure joy,

when troubles come

many trials will make you strong.

Consider it joy, pure joy,

And stand your ground,

And at last, you'll wear a crown.

Joy, pure joy,

Consider it joy, pure joy,

Joy, pure joy,

Consider it joy, pure joy!

Patiently trusting Him

Ready for anything

Until we're complete in Him

In everything more like Jesus.

Moriah's Birth Story

Jeramy and I became pregnant with Moriah on our honeymoon, probably the third day of our marriage!  We had decided before our wedding to accept whatever the Lord gives, whenever and however many He may give - all accepted, on my part, by faith!  :-)  My pregnancy with Moriah was very easy physically because I remained as much physically active as when I wasn't pregnant, exercising 5 to 6 days a week by walking, kickboxing, strength training, swimming and other cardiovascular workouts.  However, I struggled up until labor with nausea and vomiting daily.  As a result, I gained only 28 pounds with Moriah.

The Sunday after Thanksgiving, Nov. 25, 2007, Jeramy and I attended church as usual and nothing was out of the ordinary all day.  That night, after engaging in *normal marital activities* (hint, hint), about 5 minutes later, at 11 p.m., my water broke accompanied immediately by mild contractions roughly 6 to 7 minutes apart.  However I thought that it was unusual bladder leakage and not my water because it trickled out with every contraction - not a big gush and not like a constant flow, like a faucet.  When I tried to lay down to sleep, I could not because the contractions prevented me.  

After lying there for about 60 minutes, I got up to walk around, testing whether or not they were real.  For the next 30 minutes I paced the floor and the contractions got closer together.  Then Jeramy and I waited 30 more minutes and they became more painful, but I could still walk and talk normally.  I kept putting off going to the hospital because I wasn't completely sure I was in labor, being the first time and all.  But by 2 a.m. we left for the hospital in Statesboro, GA.  

We arrived at the hospital at 2:30 a.m. and the nursing staff didn't take me seriously because of our activities* over the previous hours.  It took quite a while for me to check in, signing all the paperwork.  Once I got to the LDR, the nurse left me and Jeramy and we were all alone in the room for about 20 minutes.  The nurse would come in, here and there, checking me and getting me to get undressed.  At one point before 3 a.m. they checked my cervix and I was 7 cm and they took a sample of the fluid to see if it was, in fact, amniotic fluid.

After more time than we would have liked, more nurses entered the room and got me on the bed and the contractions were so over bearing by that time, my hopes of survival were fading fast.  I had never experienced pain of that magnitude ever in my life!  Previously I had wanted a natural childbirth, but in that moment - I screamed for drugs!  I literally thought I was not going to live through this experience!  I began to feel the need to push, but I resisted because I didn't want to wear myself out if I was going to end up pushing a long time.  I wanted someone to tell me that it was okay to push.  

The nurse with the lab results finally returned; yes, it was my water that was broken.  They checked my cervix again and I was fully dilated.  I assumed the labor position and screamed with all my might as I pushed Moriah's head out.  I pushed about 3 or 4 times and she was born at 3:19 a.m. delivered by the nurses.  Immediately they took her to the side to clean her off.  Moriah cried just for a few minutes and was looking all around.  I was so infinitely relieved that I had survived that intense pain without drugs.  I came to find out that the anesthesiologist was standing in the hallway waiting until my work-up was complete.  He never entered the room!  :-)

My O.B. doctor arrived about 3 minutes too late and missed the birth.  But she was there to deliver the afterbirth and sew me up.  I got to see Moriah but I didn't get to hold her after the delivery.  They were concerned about her breathing rapidly and took her to be observed and get tests.  In hindsight, I wish I would have been more insistent about holding her, but I can't go back.  As a result, I didn't get to attempt breastfeeding until about 6 hours later.

I thank God so much for Moriah!  She has been an incredible source of sanctification for me!  Through her, God has exposed so much selfishness, self-centeredness, discontentment and foolishness and weeded it out of me so that I am able to have so much more joy I would have never known if I hadn't become a mother.  Now I can have more patience, contentment, grace and kindness.  She has been a wonderful blessing to both Jeramy and me and I could never imagine what it would be like to be married without her.  Moriah is our honeymoon baby!

Lily's Birth Story

The pregnancy went pretty smoothly, apart from a huge weight gain of 45 pounds!  During the entire pregnancy we were chomping at the bit because of the due date and issues with insurance.  All of our prenatal care, ultrasounds, blood/glucose tests, etc., we had to pay out of pocket until 1/1/2009.  So I was doing my best to lay low physically until Jan. 1 so that we would not, in any way, induce labor, apart from God acting on His own initiative and will.  

After Jan 1, I resumed my normal activities and went shopping at Super Walmart on Saturday the 3rd which wore me out.  Everything was pretty normal the rest of the day until I laid down to bed about midnight.  As soon as I laid down I felt some contractions.  They were about 7-8 minutes apart and not at all serious but they were regular and effective enough to keep me from falling asleep.  So I got up and paced the floor for about 30 minutes and they increased to about 4-5 minutes apart but still no serious pain yet.  I laid back down and they resumed the 7-8 minute intervals.

Back and forth it went.  Finally at 2:30 a.m. I called the midwife who told me that I have plenty of time and to try and get some rest.  She advised that I drink some cold water, get a snack, and pay attention to baby's movements.  Well, after I drank the cold water - BAM!  Not five minutes later I had serious, painful, yeah . . . this is it, contractions every 3-4 minutes.  I called the midwife again and told her that I was going to the hospital - even though she kept telling me to wait 60 minutes with these contractions.  I knew I didn't have that much time!  I woke up Jeramy and we both got dressed.  At 3 a.m. I call the Cassidy's, a wonderful family from church, and Karen comes over.  During those 10 minutes after I called them, Jeramy is going frantic saying, "Where is she?!  Why is it taking so long?!" with every passing contraction, his anxiety increases.  :-)  Wonderful Mrs. Karen arrives dressed and smiling.  I'm already in the car, focusing to breathe, praying we make it to the hospital before she comes out.

We left the house at 3:15 a.m. or so.  It was raining and Jeramy couldn't drive as fast as we would have liked, but he did get to run a few red lights with our flashers on, of course.  :-)  Who's on the road at 3 a.m. anyway?  We arrived at the hospital at about 3:30 a.m. or so and they checked me in rather quickly, thanks to Jeramy's promptings, then they check my cervix.  I was about 5 cm dilated and they admitted me.  After undressing, they checked me again about 5-10 minutes later and I was 7 or 8 cm.  It happened so fast, I don't remember as specifically as I did four months ago.  :-)

The nurses wheeled me into the LDR and on the way down the hall, I began to feel the need to push.  The midwife arrived and was about to check me but once I got to the LDR, accompanying the need to push, I felt her head coming also.  So I pushed and my water broke.  After I told the nurses that my water just broke (not my bladder), the midwife checked me and verified, "yep, that's the head!"  I assumed the labor position and pushed once and took a deep breath of relief.  Then I pushed again and out came Lily at 4:15 a.m.  Right after she came out they laid her on my belly and she was slimy, covered with white gunk.  And I was so surprised that she was SOO pale.  She had not taken her first breath yet.  I don't remember if Jeramy cut the cord or not.  Then they took her and cleaned her off and she began to cry.  

After delivering the placenta, they sewed me up and Lily was still crying.  After the clean-up I got to hold her and nurse her.  As I held her and studied her face, I was still quite shocked at her color.  She was no longer pale white, like a sheet, but pink.  VERY pink!  A black woman just delivered a white, WHITE, PINK!, baby!  

But from the moment I held her, there was a flood of joy, inexpressible, unpredictable, that I never thought I would experience, that I've never ever experienced prior to her birth.  I could only really attribute that to a gift from Christ.  I didn't experience that amount of joy when Moriah was born (it was the same incredible amount of relief).  I got to hold her as we moved into our hospital room and it's been nothing but joy since, even with the middle of the night feedings.  There are occasional moments where she cries for an unknown reason, but she still brings me so much joy!  If we had stopped at one child, we would have never known this beautiful little girl.  If there is going to be this much joy with each successive child, why not have as many as God would allow?!  Jeramy and I are so thankful to have Lily and Moriah in our lives.  I pray I can raise them to be godly, gracious women that they might be a blessing to some strong, godly men one day.